Conflict is often scary and uncomfortable. It requires us to risk our relationships, expose our biases, confront our character, and yet, we often find ourselves in conflict with those around us. Most of the time it’s minor; if someone is in your way at the grocery store, and you say “Excuse me!” in a bright, friendly tone, they will often acknowledge you and move. Conflict resolved.
Many conflicts are more complicated than that. They are with people or in places that we cannot avoid, or they regard subjects more important than where a stranger chose to stand. It often feels like it is safer to change ourselves and avoid conflict. We often hear advice like “be the bigger person,” “take the high road,” or “don’t stir the pot.” Well-meaning as this might be, it does not resolve, confront, or even acknowledge the circumstances that lead us to this situation. The bigger person takes up an appropriate amount of space, they do not make themselves small; the high road requires more effort, more risk, and we cannot admire the view when we are keeping track of those on the lower path; if you don’t stir the pot, your food will burn.
Confrontation =/= Combat
Standing up for yourself is not the same as standing on others! There are many cases where we cannot simply disengage from the situation in its entirety, we have to come back to work and see the office mate who comments on our appearance, we go home to a partner who did not unload the dishwasher again, the trivia night regular who gets loud and obnoxious will frequent the bar whether we go or not. In these cases and many others, confrontation may be necessary; but combat is always optional. It is perfectly possible to be firm and polite, assertive and gracious, confident and courteous, and that middle ground is something worth striving for. If you have trouble imagining what that might look like, Ted Lasso is an excellent role model.
Clarify Priorities
Noticing when conflict is happening can provide us with a lot of information, even if we choose not to engage with that conflict at this time. Conflict highlights what is important to us, even things that we might not have been aware of. A coworker who interrupts us during meetings is only upsetting when we believe that what we have to say is important. A spouse who asks if we’re out of bread is irksome because it is interruptive, not because it’s malicious.
This is especially valuable because it highlights places where team members have different priorities. Not right or wrong, but different, and likely related to their particular areas of expertise. Because I am 1) an educator and 2) a conflict resolution consultant, hearing someone say that classes should be moved to an asynchronous, online format is upsetting, because it conflicts with my belief that these skills are best discussed and practiced in-person, or at least in a webinar format. If this person is an accountant, they might be prioritizing lowering the cost of training. If they are a manager, then they might be thinking about the logistics of scheduling people for a class and still needing to cover regular work. If they are the A/V person, then they may be frustrated with my lack of computer savvy, and the fact that I will need help setting up something or other almost every time. All of those are valid and reasonable concerns, no one in this situation is out to harm anyone.
But boy, does it feel like it.
Taking a step back and recognizing that their competing priorities are valid can help us all look for a middle ground solution that honors all of those needs.
Uncover Larger Problems
Now, you’re smart (I’ve always admired that about you), so you have already caught on to another potential issue in the above scenario: many of those needs are symptoms of other problems. The cost of the training might not be a good fit for the client, so the accountant is worried. The manager might not be adequately staffed to allow employees to get important education. The A/V person might be working with outdated or finicky equipment that does not play nicely with outside hardware.
If you follow the source of conflict back, often you will see that the behaviors we see on the surface are covering a much deeper issue. Conflict highlights these opportunities for immense and immediate growth! Successful problem-solving often means changing the underlying circumstances so that the problem cannot happen again. Working backwards through the concerns and conflicts of the team until we find the true root of the conflict is time-consuming, and rarely easy. It is an investment in future harmony, and reinforces a culture where conflicts are taken seriously, and solution-focused actions are supported.
Identify Misfits
I know that by this point, you’re thinking of someone in particular. Someone who is never happy, or who does not change themselves even a little when directly asked. Someone who does not seem to be a team player. Maybe they’ve been around for a long time, and they are very familiar with the ins and outs of your situation. Maybe they are an expert in their field, and it’s hard to imagine finding someone who could do the work that they do. Maybe they are a volunteer, and you need a person more than you need the right person.
Hopefully you no longer work with such a person, but if you do, consider that conflict, like all friction, highlights weak links. Not all wink links are a problem, and many can be shifted so that they are no longer critical to the chain.
Sometimes, however, a person cannot, or is unable to improve. Once we have made reasonable efforts to educate, coach, discipline, and/or motivate this person, if they are still creating or front-lining conflict, then we need to look at removing them. Sometimes we can change their responsibilities to something that suits them more. Sometimes they need to be removed from the project entirely.
I want to acknowledge that this is difficult, especially if it’s someone you like! Nonetheless, if the actions of an individual are harming our goals as a team, then they cannot remain on the team. This will always be hard. Afterwards, you will have a team that is more capable, more focused, and more productive, because they will no longer have to work around someone who was not.
Conflict is lots of things, but one of the exceptional values that it brings is information and opportunities, for those who know how to engage with it.